Drafting the year gone past..

January, bought in the year with deciding that I would go to USA for grad school. Well, actually deciding it for sure in my mind. Had already don't the applications. It was just a decision made for my mind to start shifting into going mode. Dint shift into that mode anyway. Exactly this time last year, I was with my brother. I miss him. He is where I was last year, while I am.. well.. here.
Also, being my blogs birthday month, it got a new stat counter. It gets tougher to give gifts to children when they are growing up you know? Maybe this post, will be one.

February, Went to the blogger's meet, realized that the community was great, but did I really fit in? really?
Wrote a post with 20 random facts about me. But I figured no one would want to read it so left it in the drafts folder.
Made my second film. Loved every minute of making it, shooting it, shooting for Puneet's film and slogging over the music.

March, a respected, older journalist, trashed all blogs and bloggers. Got my blood boiling. I bought out all my guns and wrote a gunpowder coated post on it. Saved it in my drafts. I did not think anyone would want to hear me scream, plus, would the blog world really stand behind me. Also would the journalist even read it?
I still haven't visited Savannah yet, you know, from the Tantrum I threw.
Plus, put on five kilograms - dangerously close to getting out of right weight bracket and into overweight. Actually already a couple kilos into overweight bracket, but blissfully denying it. Oh and blog got recent comments widget because of a very benevolent, but media shy reader, AnonEcon, along with a new sister, Dreaming Through A Spyglass which has been largely inactive.

April, saw Namesake and Class of '84, with awesome people/bloggers. Applied some more, got rejected from my Top Priority University, and accepted from some other place called the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign (Who wants to go there anyway??) Mom made lovely achars at home.. bottles and bottles of pickles. I blogged about it. With pictures and recipes, but figured that no one would want to read a post about the pickle-expert that my mom is.. Drafts folder it is.

May, Summercamp time!!! Absolute dhamaal, stress because there were 85 children instead of 50. 8 songs, 8 different dance forms and costumes for all the 8 dances. After the Finale Stage show is over, I have to decide on which university I do want finally. Erm.. University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign it is.

June, Jats is here!! Yay!! Fulto Dhamaal, between his busy schedule. Three movies a day, coffees, conversations, morning walks, night walks, and beach. Oh the beach, our sanctuary. But before that, I had my last first rain experience.. in May!!
Also a fellow blogger and me had an interesting conversation on how blogging to has been commercialized, and I poured my thoughts on this, a lot of them they are, into a post. But really, who am I to comment on this issue. I am not even a popular bloggers or a semi celebrity blogger. Should I really do it then. Nah.. so it just ended up being a draft. Got the horrendous dental surgery done on me. I should call it Dental Construction because of the way the doc was hammering my tooth down, all without an anesthesia too. SO was mouthless for a couple of weeks.
Also, RESULTS!! I will never forget that day. Never, ever. It's not everyday that I top the university. Yes, I'm bragging, forgive me for it?
Also, Visa interview. Almost did not want to get the visa, got it anyway. The last hurdle crossed. Ready to fly. Quite an eventful month.

July, Chintan Bhai's birthday month!! Tried a post that would look into my future. But c'mon. Who am I kidding? Who wants to read that shit. Drafts. Left India intime for Bro's birthday. Got his a shiny GPS babe as a birthday gift. In case you din't know it even yet, that was MY idea!! Philly is beautiful. Where my brother lives is a beautiful house, and he drives a shiny black car. I knew all that already, but the last time I had come to US I hadn't gotten to see his house and how he lives. Three weeks with him before back to school...

August, wrote a blog about the million new things I did since I came to the US, and about the million misconceptions people have about US. Myths, realities and perspectives. Sounded very freshie to me. In the drafts folder it went. Set up a new home, a new identity, met all the desis in my university. Hated some, who went on to become my closest friends, liked some, who went on to a different world altogether.. Fierce loyalty for RM existed at that point of time, while Sam warned me, "She is not at all what she looks like. Beware". Took it with a pinch of salt. Uneventful birthday, a little sad even. But am quite used to sad birthdays by now. Classes begin. Only Indian in my entire department, and college. They can not believe that an Indian would want to get into Media and Advertising. Nice.. Hunt for assistantship and jobs also is on in full swing. Got a job, dishwasher. Took it in spite of my family not wanting it. Not an eventful month, but a lot of things happened.. If you get what I mean..

September, got a job as a writer with the yearbook of my University. Honored. Became a busy Grad student tackling two jobs, two researches and three classes. Also, making friends, knowing people. Got close to DA, had a lot of fun. Meanwhile, the Gumbal was being built. Strong. Found my support system, fought against it, but loved it all.

October, things were getting worse with RM. Hated the politics played with DA as a center. Got in the way, ruined the friendship with DA quite a bit. It upset me the first time it happened, the second time, I had stopped caring. Was getting used to it. Also, FALL!! Beautiful colors, beautiful leaves and beautiful weather. Started a fall color collection at home. Job going on as usual, but suddenly I realized that all the Pasta, Sprite and Desserts I was having at my job everyday was not helping me at all. Had put on 3 kgs, 8 pounds!!! No Pasta from now on, and no Sprite. Erm, dessert was an indulgence allowed.

November, wrote a post on the two jobs I was doing. Two ends of a spectrum. One very prestigious, another, manual, unskilled labor. I realized Mom and possibly Pri would not like my talking about it on a public place, so I posted it, but then condemned it to Drafts. Fell in love, with three people while things with DA reached a terrible state. Slogged like crazy for final papers. Also, lost 2 or maybe 3 pounds.

December, first few days, harried with work. Then, ultimate relaxation. Finished all pending work, did my bills, accounts. Patched things to a civil degree with DA. Cooked all that I wanted to try for Pinks, Pal and Dhoom. Saw a couple of movies I wanted to catch up with. Packed for Chicago and LA trip. A day before leaving for holidays, got the news that I had received an assistantship. Awesome!! University funding me.. paying me big bucks. Finally got dream job and dream life that I had been hoping for everyday. Maybe there is someone who listens to you. Chicago - Home food finally, lovely soft, white rotis, shaak, dal, rice, brownies, sev puris, mm.. lovely. 4 days in Chicago, I put on 6 pounds. Aw shucks. LA - Home. In USA. Having fun runnning once in a while, doing housework, helping masi around the kitchen, making fun of cousins, rolling and coasting on the world's scariest roller-coasters. Suddenly realized from my pictures, that I am at my fattest I have ever been. Infact, I have surpassed that line too. Shit!! Need to lose weight.

Conclusion, less of Drafts if possible. If I am writing about something, and writing the entire thing out, then it definitely should be worth it. Right?
Also, I dont believe in new year's resolutions, but I AM going to lose weight. 15 pounds. 7 kgs, if possible, then more, like 20 pounds or 10 kgs. I will do it. Have done it once before, can do it now. Two, will live a fuller life, more fun, more time, more love.

P.S : I know its a really long post, and I was almost tempted to put it in the drafts folder too, but enough of hiding my posts. I hope. If anyone wants any of those drafts to be put up, and you think you would read it, let me know. Will post it then probably.
Also, lurkers, readers, non-commenting readers and active readers, if anyone has any opinion on these drafts, or anything under the sun at all, feel free.

Enjoy the New Year people!!

Taare Zameen Par - Stars Shine Down..

When I was in Std. II A, there was a guy who sat behind me. Jay Shah. He was tall, lanky, and had shaggy hair that fell all over his face. He lived five buildings away from me and traveled in the same bus. His Mom used to tell me all the time to sit with him more, spend my lunches with him and "influence" him.

He had failed in second grade twice.

His mom used to take my books to complete his classwork. He could never pay attention in class and was always more interested in random, arbit things. The teacher used to go crazy explaining sums and words and sentences to him. He could never recite the poetry. Never paint a picture complete. I thought of him as a friend in the beginning. I would try to explain things to him, finish his pictures, recite poetry to him. I gave up when he failed again. I moved to the next class. III A. He left school. I saw him on my street a few times. We would excitedly talk the first couple of times. Then, it was just a wave. And then we went our way. I heard he was shifted to a "Special School".

Since the first grade, there was another guy in my class. Very bright. Always sat in the first bench. Not a ranker, but intelligent. Slow, but smart. He had some physical handicap. But his mother pushed him. He graduated from school with the rest of us. Apparently, he went to science college, and graduated with a BSc. I do not know here he is, but I see him around in the Social Networking forums. He recently added me on all of those, and on GChat and more.

He looks like he is successful in whatever he is doing.



Taare Zameen Par is about one child a little more than that. A child with a serious learning disability, which no one seems to recognize and which the Indian Schooling system pegs down as mischief, naughtiness and arrogance combined with laziness and a lack of willingness to learn.
It talks about Inu, Ishaan Awasthi, his unchanneled, unbridled intelligence. But the teachers in his school, his father and even his mother to an extent do not see it. When they look at him all they see is a failure and a dumb child.

Aamir Khan, as Ram Nikumbh, his new art teacher sees his potential, and identifies with it, because he too was a dyslexic student, misunderstood by his parents as a kid. Nikumbh turns the boy's life around and shows everyone his potential.

Taare Zameen Par, is a must watch. It's a little slow in the beginning, but picks up lace once Aamir arrives (obviously). The boy, Darshan Zhaveri, I think, has a very few lines in the entire film. Maybe that's why he manages to pull out such a stellar job. Too many dialogues would have ruined his character. The mother, Tisca Chopra, and the elder son, were very believable and acted really well. The father was probably chosen to play this part because of his very fatherly, and ugly looks. Ishaan's friend Rajan was a characted well played too.

All in all, a colorful movie, with beautiful songs, lovely acting and a touching story. And a movie dedicated to Jay Shah, wherever he is. And the second guy's success.

This place is called Bliss

I have written four posts on my assistantship. Newly gained assistantship. But for some reason they are all lying in my drafts folder. Everytime I after I finishing writing, I would say, "I don't want to talk about this." And off it would go to my drafts folder.

There is no other way to say it. I got an assistantship. A tuition waiver, which means that the university pays my fees, and I get paid a crazily huge sum of money each month for 20 hours of work a week. It IS an UNBELIEVABLE situation.

I did not, so did not, expect to get this job. Suddenly it sounds like those words I used to mouth daily, to I don't know who, were being heard. This last semester, I have literally, LITERALLY, been talking to myself (?) or someone I have no idea of (???), saying just the same thing over and over again, "Please give me an assistantship. Please give me one." And lo, at the end of the sem I got it.

Also, I'm in LA now. At my Masi's place. I am working out, (or have started to), and doing home stuff. Am eating just as much as I want, not being forced to eat more, and am with my Second Mom. My Masi. It feels like home. Added benefit - There is a Sun here!! Which makes the weather about 20 degrees brighter!! Which I love!!

It's generally a good time. Maybe it's the christmas cheer. Maybe it's just the goodness of life. Good moods all the time, happiness everywhere and family around me. Ahh, Bliss is where I am folks!!

Addictions

Things change, and time is relative about the change. I was in this place, Chicago, at my aunt's place three years ago. 2004. I was a mere 18 years old then. Mature in some ways, but still dependent on anger and tantrums.
My camera's batteries died out.. and I wanted new ones. I wanted to be able to capture every magical moment I was spending here. I really wanted to. And I have this thing about cameras and wanting to keep clicking away. I kept askign for batteries for two days and no one would get me any. Being in a new country with a different currency and a different way of shopping and behaving.. I couldn't even just go out on my own and get some batteries. Tired and angry, finally on the third day I erupted. I threw a huge kickass tantrum. HUGE. I just went from an adorable teenager to a sulky child.

My anger was justified, but my tantrum was not. Today when I look back, all I can remember is that silly stupid crying me, throwing a tantrum at the Baha'i Temple in Chicago, refusing to talk to anyone. I am with the same people today. Alone. No parents, no elder brother. And suddenly I realize that maybe they identify me with that tantrum too now. That's the mark I left on them. If the same thing happened today, I would get angry.. and then shut up.

Pal keeps asking me to yell or say something when I am pissed off. But I cant. There are very few people in front of whom I blow off my steam, because they are the only ones who can handle it.

My mom, Chintanbhai, Sneha, Tag, PRi and once upon a time, Mr. Pilot. Don't get me wrong, I have other very very precious friends too. But somehow the anger just does not come in front of them. I just eat it up. And that's how it should be. I should know when to bite my anger up and be mature about the situation.

That's why I like growing up. The change within me. The change in my way of looking at things, my perspective if you will. The change in my way of looking at the world. The change in the way I react to situations. The change in the way I think. Because I think.

It's as addictive to me as writing is. Thinking.

She never existed..

What happened to the girl who never thought before doing, saying or wanting anything? When did people start telling her that you think too much..

What happened to the girl who had supreme confidence in her skills and talent? When did she start fearing her own karmabhoomi so much that she wouldn't touch it with a barge pole..

What happened to the girl who was the center of all parties? When did she start hating, abhorring attention..

What happened to the girl who firmly believed in love, and knew it would happen at the right time? When did she start believing that she did not deserve love and there was no way in hell anyone would even think of her that way..

What happened to the girl who had all the traits of growing up into a teenage girl, young girl and a woman? When did she start thinking that she was just not good enough to ever be considered a woman..

What happened to the girl who looked in the mirror and loved what she saw?

She Never Existed at all...

Our perceptions of beauty are very surreal, framed and conditioned by a society who wants perfection and rejects anything else. And the outer appearance counts for so much that the inner person starts hating herself for what she does not look like, even though everytime she visualizes herself, its someone different. And everytime she sees the mirror she realized that she was not what she thought and visualized herself to be. She did not have that sculpted jaw line, well defined cheek bones or even the large almond shaped eyes.

Everytime she went to an interview, met someone important, she thought why the hell would they be interested in whats up, down, right or left in my life.. Because she did not look like a star, she assumed they would immediately reject her, they definitely wanted pretty people in their offices.

Because all the while.. She did not exist at all..



Cross-Posted at http://tangentialthinking.wordpress.com/